Monday, 7 November 2016

And breathe

Hello, goodness I really have been missing in action. 

After more than four weeks in hospital my mum passed away last Thursday at 4 am. Mike was with me. Just as well really as I ahem slept through the event itself. He said he tried to wake me with a loud whisper but decided to get a nurse before scampering back to wake me up properly. 

Even though they were hoping to discharge her to a community hospital for rehabilitation she took a turn for the worse last Sunday and after being summoned that morning it is where I stayed until she passed away.

While naturally I miss her I am greatly relieved to have my life back and I make no apology for that. Both my parents were deeply unhappy people, disliked each other, suspicious of other people, vindictive and very inward looking. They were however excellent grandparents who deeply and unconditionally loved their grandchildren and this love was returned back to them. 

It is this that I choose to focus on. I made the decision a long long time ago I never wanted to be like my parents. I know how lucky I am to have Mike and my children with the laughter and closeness which was lacking from my childhood. 

I have no grief as such, just a sense of sadness of two lives wasted due to choosing to fill them with unhappiness. 

I've often wondered where my strong sense of spirit came from. The ability to face up to what life throws in my way. I came face to face with it Wednesday evening when my ninety year old aunt barged her way through to the room where my mum was. There was no holding her back at 9 pm!

She looked at her youngest sister who was in a coma and bellowed 'Well the smoking never helped did it' Erm quite possibly not but it isn't the reason she is like this.  My aunt then proceeded to tell us about how she dismantled her mower that day as it wasnt working properly. It was a slightly surreal hour which I spent trying not to laugh. I did laugh after she left and Mike remarked 'I've just met you forty odd years on'!

So that my dears is me. I have an afternoon of sewing planned and some bloggy catch up this morning x 

32 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for your loss. I've always been extremely close to my parents so I always find it sad when others have had a different kind of relationship with theirs. I suppose when you actually see how someone's life has been filled with unhappiness, it does give you the incentive to make sure your own is different. Sending hugs to you all. xx

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  2. Sorry to hear about your Mum. Your Aunt sounds like a wonderful character x

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  3. I am sorry Jo that you have had to deal with this, had difficult times with your parents and to have it topped off with your aunt! It sounds as though you and Mike are a great couple and a great team together and totally different from you parents. I think you are right, focus on the good bits - that if they hadn't had you you and Mike would not be together and that they were great grandparents. We cannot change the past, only the way we react to it and as for the future, we have to take what we have learned and move forward. A weekend of phone watching and then hospital bed beside watching here too, so although I would never claim to know how you feel, I know what rubbish times are like and know that even though I haven't been in touch you have not left my thoughts since Thursday. I have only just had chance to do anything online since then and the first thing I saw was this post which I was glad about. Anyway, this is about you not me. Know that you are a great person, you have done your very very best and that mine and all of your other readers thoughts are with you for hopes of good memories of the past and good times yet to come in the future. Massive hugs my dear. xxxxxx

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  4. I hope that you now can settled down to a period of calm - you deserve it.

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  5. My sympathies. I had an aunt like that, bless her she was a wonderful lady. Take care. Flighty xx

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  6. My condolences, Jo.
    Sometimes personality heritage skips sideways. My SIL said she had no idea why her 5y/o daughter is the way she is. I know, my mum knows. It's me she takes after. Haha !

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  7. You've gone through such a difficult time. I'm sorry your mom was such an unhappy person, but glad your children saw a different side of her.

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  8. Sending you a hug so that you can be strong for your children who had obviously had a wonderful relationship with your Mum. Hopefully she will have found some inner peace in death. Take care.

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  9. Dear Jo sorry for your loss, I can actually relate to how you are feeling , take care xx

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  10. I am sorry for your loss Jo. I am glad your mum passed away peacefully. Wishing you all the best for the next few weeks. x

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  11. I was so sorry to read of your loss, Jo. It must have been a difficult time for you. I hope your children are ok. X

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  12. Sorry to read this, Jo. Am thinking of you. I like the sound of your Aunt! xx

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  13. Your Aunt sounds amazing! sending hugs. :) x

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  14. Our parents shape our lives but they do not define them, my mum was wonderful but never cuddled us, so I ensured my girls were cuddled all the time, mum was wonderful with our girls. Are we going to see any unusual flowers this time, any pigeon or other designs.

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  15. So sorry to hear about your Mum but it sounds a peaceful passing which is good. Take care. x

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  16. I am glad that you can describe even such a serious occurrence with a sense of humour! As you say, your Mum's passing away will make a big (positive)difference to your own life.

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  17. So happy your parents managed to be good grandparents and your children had that from them. I'm sorry for your loss and happy that you have established such a good, healthy life for yourself and family xx

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  18. Wishing you a peaceful time now, Jo, after all you have been through. It is good to hear that you and Mike have created such a happy, warm and loving family life together which will now carry you forward into the future in a positive way. Sending love.
    Helen xox

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  19. I think all the above sum up what I could possibly never say in comments. Yes, breathe & take one day at a time. This time last year, we were busy emailing each other, but what with being away & ongoing tech problems, I've barely caught up with anybody, so I'll pop you an email this week. Take care.

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  20. Oh Jo, you must be exhausted. I send my condolences to you, Mike and especially to your children, I know that the loss of a good grandparent hits hard. Sending hugs. x

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  21. So sorry to hear about your loss, you are in my thoughts. It's wonderful that you've managed to give your children such a great upbringing, so different to that which you experienced. Hugs. CJ xx

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  22. Hi Jo

    So sorry - I know that one - take care. Pattypanx

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  23. I'm sorry to read about your loss but love the way you smile through the worst of times. Good for you. Hoping you will keep good memories of your mum in your thoughts and do take care of yourself in these early days, which I found to be not dissimilar to the days following childbirth - if that makes any sense at all!

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  24. Sorry to hear about your mother. Best wishes to you all.

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  25. Sorry to hear about your mother. Best wishes to you all.

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  26. Take care Jo. Sometimes you think you're coping and then all of a sudden it comes out of the blue and sideswipes you. It's a strange feeling though when the relationship has been difficult, I can relate to that.

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  27. I admire your attitude. There's no use pretending that things are otherwise. Go forward and fill your life with happiness.

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  28. Well, I've missed this and the next post in my usual lazy way. I'm sorry to hear that your mother had become ill and has since passed away. Everything happened so quickly, although I'm sure it seems like a long time sitting in limbo for you and your family. There is a blessing to go quickly I think. I know you've talked about your parents lives before, but even so, she was your mom and I'm sure you'll miss her in your own way. I feel very similar towards my dad. Even though he's in no state to defend himself these days, life with him was not very rosy. We all put up with a lot of weird and crazy stuff, but a lot of time has gone by now, and he's all alone in his nursing home and I can't help but feel sad for him with his dementia. I hope I'm being a better parent to my own kids. Take care Jo, hugs to you,
    Wendy xox

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  29. You've been through a tough time Jo, even though you weren't close to your mum its a very stressful time being in and out of hospital. As you say you can breathe and relax now. Remember the good times and carry on as you have been doing living your life with happiness. Take care.

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  30. Sending my condolences Jo but glad you have come out the other side. Family and parents, pah! One of your readers said that parents shape us but don't define us and I think I agree with that in a way; I was shaped by values of my parents but luckily found Jon my husband and we have both shaped the best life we can for ourselves and our children by not using all the experiences I had with my parents. I am glad you had the strength when your aunt breezed in. I have grown in strength regarding my mother who is a crochety 83 year old with as many opinions to the moon and back if you get my meaning. Glad you are coming back through the ether and look forward to more posts from you soon.xx

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